There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
