was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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