Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
