Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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