Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I have peed in a lot of sinks
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
