i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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