Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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