I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
