I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
