you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
