Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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