Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
