On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
