Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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