Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
