All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
