Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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