I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
