Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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