Someone shit on the floor
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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