My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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