I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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