Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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