He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
