I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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