She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
