i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
