Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
