Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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