If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
