So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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