I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
