I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
