I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
