meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
