I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
