I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
