Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
