This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
