I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
These tits shall not be calmed
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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