Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
