There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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