Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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