My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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