The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
