why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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