God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I want her autograph on my taint
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
