The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
