He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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