i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
