Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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